We’re privy to that girl who squeezed out three kids by her 21st birthday, the guy who’s annoying you via Facebook with his “disruptive vacation club” business idea, and that 28-year-old doctor who makes you feel like you should’ve perhaps studied in college instead of ingesting heroic volumes of booze.Įveryone knows that one person who organizes the high school reunion. We don’t have to experience that awkward, depressing spectacle that is a high school reunion anymore. Not too long ago, dating was a tryout to eventually, maybe, have sex. Hookup culture is replacing traditional dating at an astonishing rate. If you live in a large city, you can spend less for more. This is good because it’s cost-effective. And what’s better than that? Herpes apps like Tinder and Hinge have made it effortless for like-minded groin-smashers to meet and exchange fluids. In Chicago, dating involves meeting a person through Bumble, having sex, having sex again, and watching as she loses interest in you for a richer, taller guy. Writing is only good for signing checks to your landlord and putting passive-aggressive notes on windshields.Īllow me to make the distinction between dating in a big city like Chicago and doing it the old-fashioned way in Iowa. Thanks to the internet, I now have the penmanship of a quadriplegic with Parkinson’s. Political corruption may very well be dead, or at least minimized, in the near future thanks to some pimply college dropout with a WiFi connection in Bumfuck, Colorado. Now we have an army of pro bono investigative twenty-something unemployables with 160 IQs doing the fact checking. Only a couple decades ago, we had NBC, CBS, ABC, and PBS buzzing from our TVs. Not like we needed the Internet to know that, but still. Now we can do our own research and eventually come to the conclusion that the media and politicians are full of shit. But no longer are we held captive to simply trusting what the media and politicians say. Combetta even deleted his Reddit posts two years ago, but some clairvoyant basement dwellers archived them for future use. Some autistic savant over at 4chan found the incriminating post from two years ago and linked his username stonetear to his Gmail account and his Etsy account. Take for instance Paul Combetta, the guy whose currently going viral because he asked anonymously on Reddit if people could help him wipe Hillary Clinton’s emails. In 2016, nameless, faceless, on-the-spectrum nerds have more power than the FBI. Gone are the days you spent a Saturday buying shit as ghetto Timberland-wearing idiots circled around you, treating it like their vacation home. But I guess it’s a good thing the mall is dying a slow death. Then you’d be able to flirt with girls as if you were actually at the mall or bookstore. If Jeff Bezos really wanted to put the final nail in the coffin of Western Civilization, he would incorporate a chat function into Amazon. I predict in 20 years, men everywhere will experience mass erectile dysfunction due to the ease and awesomeness of RedTube. In the age of the internet, it’s like getting fish tacos delivered to your home for free. Not too long ago, it was a sincere exercise of cognition-trying to remember that one girl who touched your penis. If you didn’t have the patience to manually draw out boobs and vaginas on a piece of paper like a creep, you had to get mentally creative. If there wasn’t a sticky Hustler nearby, you had to think. You know what happened after that: Everyday folks began chopping off their bushes like they were malignant tumors. Celebrities began waxing fantastic about waxing and every single porn star went 12-year-old chic. Brazilian waxes became a thing in 1999, right when the internet took off. Luckily, Angelina Jolie hosts a Crustacean Reserve in her nether region. In 2013, crabs became an endangered species. But alas, there’s Alec Baldwin threatening the career of a young barista because she made his chai too spicy. Their chops as spellers, thinkers, and cultural tastemakers wouldn’t come into question. If social media didn’t exist, we would assume the best of these people. At least Donald Trump is embracing his normalcy-warts and all. The old adage that no one is special has never been fully realized until you see Hillary Clinton’s ragged mug chilling in Cedar Rapids. Now, anyone is capable of being a celebrity. The internet has leveled the playing field. But one look at Jason Alexander’s Twitter page, and you think, “George Costanza isn’t actually funny.” They were smarter, better looking, and more talented than us all around. There was once a time when people looked up to celebrities.
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